Soul Searching Read online

  ‘Why does everyone think drinking tea will make everything right?’ She went into the kitchen and put the kettle on. She was not convinced that all would be well forever. She made some tea and took it through. ‘There you are, Mum. Is Jimmy out playing in his band again?’

  ‘He went out after he’d had his tea. He does seem to be doing well. I think he’s got a concert coming up. Something to raise money for the troops. You and Paul should go.’

  ‘Maybe. When is it?’

  ‘On Saturday I think. You’ll have to ask Jimmy.’

  ‘I wanted to go to the pictures again. I don’t know. I’ll ask Paul. Oh Mum, do you really think this war’s going on for long?’

  ‘How do I know? They said the last one was the war to end all wars. I doubt your dad will have to go and fight. He’s a bit past it now but no doubt he’ll feel he should.’

  ‘I can’t really understand anyone actually wanting to go.’

  ‘I s’pose they feel it’s a duty. For king and country or summat like that.’

  ‘Perhaps you’re right. I just really hope our men don’t have to go.’

  Chapter Two

  As the weeks drifted on into months, Ruth’s hopes rose as Paul did not receive his call-up papers. He continued his work as an electrician and she began to convince herself he was in a reserved occupation. She’d heard of a few roles that kept the men at home and hoped against all hope that an electrician was one of them. Then it happened. Paul came round one evening looking a bit green.

  ‘They’ve come. My call-up papers.’ Ruth promptly burst into tears. For her it seemed as if it was the end of her world.

  ‘Why do you have to go?’ she sobbed, clinging to him as if he was about to be murdered. ‘Paul, can’t you say you’re ill or have something wrong so you can’t go?’

  ‘Oh, Ruth, I can’t. I’m really sorry but it’s my duty. You mustn’t worry. I reckon it’ll all be over soon and I’ll be back, pestering the life out of you.’ But she clung to him as if she might never let him go. ‘Come on, love. We’ve all got to be brave. It would be dreadful if the Germans beat us and we all had to bow down to their control.’

  ‘I know, but you’re just gonna be gun fodder. Just another body there to be shot at.’ She began to sob once more as if her heart would break. She’d known Paul since they were at school together and could hardly bear to think she might never see him again.

  ‘I’ll write to you. I promise I’ll write something every day. I’m not sure how often the post will be sent but I will write something. Let you know how it’s going and all that.’

  ‘When do you have to go?’

  ‘In just over a week. So we’ve got the weekend to see each other. We’ll do something special. Have a think and see what you fancy doing.’

  All too soon, the week was over. Paul left to go off to his base and Ruth got the morning off work to go and wave to him as he left. There were lots of people on the station platform and lots of women crying, to see their men leaving. Some of them had little children with them and she thought it seemed even more cruel that they had to leave their families behind. Paul leaned out of the window and kissed her once more.

  ‘Don’t forget to look for the post. I’ll write as soon as I can.’

  ‘Of course. I’ll be waiting for your letters.’ The train started to pull away from the platform and she ran alongside it, holding Paul’s hand till it became impossible and he was drawn away. She wiped her eyes and turned to leave the station. She could hardly believe she wouldn’t see him again until who knew when? In something of a dream, she went to catch the bus for work. It seemed like a living nightmare. How could everything carry on so normally around her? The red bus came just as it always did. The conductor took her fare and gave her a ticket, just as he always did. The bus stopped, just as it always did. She got off and walked into work, just as she always did.

  ‘Oh good, you’re back. He’s gone off okay I take it?’ said the boss.

  ‘Yes,’ she whispered, almost breaking down again.

  ‘Right, well I’ve got some letters need to get into the post. Bring your pad in and let’s get them done.’

  ‘Yes, Mr Steele. Can I just go to the lavatory before we start?’

  ‘Hurry up then. You’ve been out for most of the morning. I’m very behind.’

  Ruth worked hard for the rest of the day, occasionally slowing down and allowing a small tear to escape and run down her cheek. She wondered where Paul had gone and what he was doing. Then she went back to her typing and tried to forget what had happened that morning. At the end of the day, she went back home and slumped down in front of the fire. It seemed the first time that day she had been warm. Her mum gave her a cup of tea and sat down next to her.

  ‘He’ll be back, dunna fret lass. Drink up and I’ll pour you some more.’ Automatically, she did as she was told. Then Jimmy came home.

  ‘All right?’ he asked. ‘Paul get his train okay?’ She nodded, unable to speak. ‘Good. That’s good. What’s for tea, Mum?’

  ‘Sausage and chips. I’ll go and make a start. Your dad’ll be home soon.’

  ‘Right. Well I’ll go and change.’

  ‘You going out again this evening?’ asked Mabel.

  ‘Band practice. Then we’ll go down to the pub I expect.’

  ‘Right. What are you doing, our Ruth?’

  ‘What is there to do? Nothing for now and evermore.’ She went upstairs and lay down on her bed. She had to find something to do. Perhaps she could find a course or some war work. She couldn’t just sit around all the time. At this moment, she felt as if her life had ended. She heard a clumping up the stairs and Veronica came into the room.

  ‘Has he gone then?’

  ‘Yes. I saw him off this morning.’

  ‘Lots of them have gone. Several of my boyfriends have had to go. Still, they do say the ones that are left will be even hungrier for female company. Hope so, any road. Better see what Mum’s got for tea. Then I shall go out in search of someone to buy me a gin and it. While there’s still some to be bought.’

  Ruth lay there for a while longer. She heard her dad come in and knew that tea would be on the table in a minute. She wiped her eyes, combed her hair and went downstairs, putting on her brave face. She steeled herself for any comments from anyone and went to sit down.

  ‘All right, love?’ said her dad.

  ‘Not bad, thanks. How about you?’

  ‘Not bad.’

  The conversation was general for a while until Dan dropped his bombshell.

  ‘Look, I’m thinking of going to work at Swinnerton. You know. The ROF place there.’

  ‘That’s a bit sudden ain’t it? Really? How will you get there?’ asked Mabel.

  ‘They’re going to put on special buses. I’ve heard rumours they’re gonna close our factory. For the duration, you know. No call for fancy pottery during the war.’

  ‘Goodness. I wonder if our place will still keep going,’ said Ruth. ‘We only make crockery for food use. Dinner plates and so on.’

  ‘They say some places doing utility ware will be kept working. I don’t know if it will ever recover when it’s all over. S’pose it depends on how long it takes.’

  ‘Does this mean we might get a place at Wallbrook?’ asked Mabel. ‘Inside lavatory. Can you just imagine it?’

  ‘In my dreams,’ replied Veronica. ‘I might even stay at home for a bit longer if we had one of those.’ Ruth listened to the conversation, thinking how marvellous it was that people could think anything positive about this war. Her Paul was sleeping somewhere he didn’t know, probably in a large hut somewhere with a load of other men. Here were her family talking about moving somewhere where there was an inside lavatory. She shook her head.

  When tea was finished, Ruth cleared the table and took the dirty plates into the kitchen. She put the kettle on to heat water for washing up.

  ‘Oh good. Are you making tea?’ asked Vero
nica.

  ‘It’s for the washing up. I’ll tell you when the kettle’s free again.’

  ‘Don’t bother. I’m going out. I can’t wait for you to finish that lot and then make tea. I need to go and get my glad rags on.’

  ‘You could always dry the dishes. Or wash if you’d prefer.’ The woman stared at her stepsister in surprise.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous. It would ruin my nails.’ She swept out of the kitchen and disappeared upstairs. Ruth shook her head. She was impossible. She poured the boiling water into the washing up bowl and added some cold. She shook the soap saver, a metal holder with scraps of soap in it, into the water. Soon she had washed all the plates and cutlery and started on the pans. Nobody came to offer any help and she sighed. One day, perhaps, she might get enough bottle to leave everything for someone else to do but then it would probably be left to her mother. She dried all the pots and put them away. She still felt very miserable and decided to go and lie on her bed. With any luck, Veronica would have finished titivating by now and she could lie there in peace. She went out of the kitchen and her dad spoke.

  ‘Have you put the kettle on again for tea?’

  ‘No. I’m going up to my room.’ She went upstairs and heard her father ask what was the matter with the girl.

  ‘She saw Paul off this morning. She’s a bit out of sorts.’

  ‘I see. So who’s going to make a cuppa?’

  ‘I suppose it’ll be me. P’raps I might take a cup up to Ruth. Have a bit of a chat to her. I don’t like to see her so miserable.’

  ‘Aye, do that. Poor kid. Our Veronica doesn’t help much, does she?’

  ‘She’s totally selfish, that one. I’ll never know why. The others grew up much less selfish didn’t they?’

  ‘She’s always resented Ruth and Jimmy getting adopted. But what else could we have done? They couldn’t have been left in that dreadful home.’ Dan sat there thinking hard.

  ‘I’m glad you saw it that way, love. I’d never have forgiven myself if I’d let them go. Not like their dad. He couldn’t care less what happened to his children. He blamed them for the loss of his wife, of course. I think he went to Australia. I doubt if he’s still alive. Any road, I’d better make this tea. Has Veronica appeared again yet?’

  ‘No. She must still be upstairs. I hope she’s not upsetting Ruth again. She can be a real cow that one. Sorry, I shouldn’t speak of her like that but she makes me so mad.’ She went into the kitchen and made tea. She looked round at the clean surfaces and saw Ruth had put everything away. She was such a good girl that one. She heard Veronica come down and then go out so she knew it would be a good time to go up to Ruth. She poured tea for her husband and then took two cups up to Ruth, so she could drink hers at the same time.

  ‘Thought you might like a chat,’ she said. ‘Here, have some tea.’

  ‘That’s kind of you. But there’s nothing to chat about.’

  ‘I don’t like to see you so miserable.’

  ‘I know. But I can’t help it. Oh Mum, do you think I’ll ever see him again?’

  ‘Course you will. He’ll be home fairly soon on leave. Before he gets posted anywhere else. They have to do training first.’

  ‘Do you think so? Really?’

  ‘Yes, of course they do. About six weeks, Mrs Taylor told me. Her son went off a couple of weeks since.’

  ‘Six weeks. Seems a lifetime to wait. But then, it will be a lot longer after that. Oh, this blooming war. Why does it have to happen?’

  ‘I’ll never know why, love. Drink your tea while it’s hot. I dare say we’ll all come through it one way and another. At least you’ve got a job. That’ll keep you busy and the time will soon pass.’ They chatted about this and that and Ruth seemed a little bit better.

  ‘I was wondering if there might be some course I could do. Something to keep my mind occupied and while away these long evenings,’ she said.

  ‘Well, you’ll have to see about that. You seem a bit more cheerful now. How about coming down to listen to the radio? There’s bound to be something good on.’

  ‘I’ll be down in a minute or two. Thanks for the tea, Mum. And the chat.’

  Ruth knew she couldn’t go on feeling so miserable and tried to cheer up. After about a week, she really did feel better. It was helped when a letter arrived from Paul. He’d been stationed somewhere in darkest Somerset and was undergoing training. She wasn’t even sure where Somerset was but it sounded a long way away. He didn’t say much about anything except he was with a good group of blokes and they seemed to spend a lot of time playing cards. She immediately went to her room to write back to him. It was a rather peculiar address and she hoped it would actually reach him. She told him how much she was missing him and looking forward to his leave. Then she put it into an envelope and sealed it, ready to post it on her way to work the next day. Somehow, she felt closer to him and therefore more cheerful.

  The next day, Mr Steele seemed to notice that she was more cheerful and commented on it.

  ‘I was thinking Miss Davies, it would be nice to go out one evening to discuss your future.’

  ‘My future?’ she echoed, surprised by his words.

  ‘I think you show great promise. It would be good to talk through your options.’

  ‘My options?’

  ‘Well, yes. I think you may be ready to become a personal assistant.’

  ‘What’s one of them?’ she asked in all innocence.

  ‘Oh, you know. Take over responsibility for, well, all manner of things. Let’s go out for a meal one evening and we’ll discuss it all then.’

  ‘Oh, well thank you, Mr Steele.’

  ‘Does that mean you’ll agree to come?’

  ‘I suppose it does. When do you want to go?’

  ‘How about tomorrow?’

  ‘Yes, that would be fine. Thank you.’

  ‘Good. I’ll book a table somewhere. Straight after work if that’s all right with you.’

  ‘Of course. I’ll be ready. I can tell Mum tonight so she doesn’t make tea for me.’

  ‘Right. You’d better get on now.’

  When she told her parents that evening, they were a bit dubious about the whole thing.

  ‘It’s a business deal,’ she protested. ‘I don’t know what else you think it is. He wants me to be a personal assistant. It’ll mean more money and more responsibility. Please don’t worry. I can look after myself.’

  ‘I just hope you can.’

  ‘Course I can. It’s only going to be for a talk.’

  ‘What is?’ asked Jimmy, coming into the room.

  ‘Your sister’s going out with her boss for supper.’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Yes. He asked me to go to discuss my future. I’m going to be a personal assistant,’ Ruth told him carefully.

  ‘Well, just make sure he doesn’t want you to be anything else.’ He tapped his nose. ‘Know what I mean?’

  ‘Don’t be silly. He says he wants to explain it all to me and so he’s offered to give me supper somewhere. It’s all just business.’

  ‘Okay, but take care, won’t you? Where’s he taking you?’

  ‘Dunno. Somewhere in town I suppose.’

  ‘I don’t like it, Sis. He’s got a reputation, that man.’

  ‘How do you know?’

  ‘It’s all round the factory.’ Jimmy was working in the same factory at present and seemed to know what he was talking about.

  ‘I’m sure I can look after myself, but thanks for the warning.’

  She lay awake for much of the night, worrying about the things her brother had said. Was Mr Steele so bad? Had she been taken in by his suggestions? Several times she decided to cancel the outing, but by the morning she had decided it would be all right. She dressed carefully, making sure her skirt wasn’t too short and she looked neat and tidy. She wasn’t going to wear anything special as she doubted he would take her anywhere very special.
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  It was a fairly normal day. She actually began to think he’d forgotten about his invitation as he didn’t mention it again. Never mind, she was thinking, it saves me being bothered by him. Towards the end of the afternoon, he called her into his office. She automatically picked up her dictation pad and pencil and went in.

  ‘You don’t need that, love,’ he told her. ‘I just wanted to make sure you’re ready to come out this evening. Do you need time to go and pretty yourself up?’

  ‘Of course not. I’m ready to go, unless I’m not smart enough?’

  ‘You’ll do fine. I just wanted to be sure you didn’t need some time to yourself.’ She stared at the man wondering exactly what he was implying. ‘It’s okay, love. Don’t worry. I’m not going to eat you.’ She smiled and left his office. She waited until everyone else had left and knocked on his door again.

  ‘I think they’ve all left now. Should I get my coat?’

  ‘Indeed, Ruth. I’ll just clear my things away ready for tomorrow and I’ll be with you.’ He licked his lips and she thought how unpleasant he seemed. What was she doing? Still, it was too late now. She was committed.

  Mr Steele drove them out of town to a small country pub. It seemed rather posh, she thought, and suddenly she felt rather nervous. He parked and said, ‘I like this place. It’s unpretentious and does a good meal. Come on then. Let’s go and see what they’re offering tonight.’ Nervously, she got out of his car and followed him inside. ‘What will you have to drink?’

  ‘An orange juice, thank you.’

  ‘You sure? Wouldn’t you like a short?’ She blinked, wondering what he meant. ‘Gin and orange or maybe a port and lemon?’

  ‘Oh no. Thanks but I don’t really drink.’

  ‘Perhaps you should try a port and lemon then. It’s mostly lemonade and with a splash of port to add interest.’

  ‘I don’t think my mother would like to think of me drinking strong alcohol.’

  ‘Your mother won’t know,’ he said, winking at her. ‘She’s not here is she? You go and find a table. I’ll get the drinks and bring them over. By the window over there.’ He indicated a table and she went and sat down. She thanked him for the drink and sipped it suspiciously. It was red in colour and she felt certain it was the port and lemon he’d suggested. To her surprise, it tasted delicious.