Learning to Love Again Read online

  She shivered, thinking about the boats bouncing over the waves. She thought of Ben and again relived the memory of how it must have been for him to sink under the waves, his lungs painfully filling with sea water until he lapsed into unconsciousness.

  It could happen again. To Joe or Tom. She hugged her arms round herself as tears fell.

  She felt helpless and angry for being so helpless. She paced back and forth, knowing she was making herself feel worse all the time.

  ‘Anna? What are you doing? Couldn’t you sleep? Hey, come on. No need to cry.’ Once more, Evie put her arms round Anna and hugged her close. ‘Come on. Dry your eyes. This doesn’t help you or them, you know.’

  ‘But . . .’

  ‘But nothing. Now, we’re going to have another drink and then you’re going back to bed. You need to be awake for Holly in the morning. They’ll be back when they’re back. Driving yourself mad with worry won’t make any difference to them.’

  Anna sat down near the Aga. She was still shivering and her fingers shook as she took the mug of tea from Evie.

  ‘Whatever you say, I can see you really do care for my brother, don’t you?’

  ‘I suppose I must. I never expected to feel this much emotion ever again.’

  ‘I’m glad for you. He’s a wonderful man and deserves some happiness in his life. I’m sure he loves you too, as I’ve already told you.’

  ‘I don’t know if I love him. It’s almost too strong an emotion. But I am very fond of him.’

  ‘Who are you trying to convince? You love him. It’s quite obvious. You need to come to terms with it. Your husband died three years ago. It’s time to move on without the guilt. Now, bed for you.’

  * * *

  It was four o’clock before the two men returned. As soon as she heard the door open, Anna rushed down to see if they were all right. She flung herself at Joe.

  ‘Oh thank heavens you’re back. Are you all right?’

  ‘I guess. Hey, don’t look so worried. It’s all right.’ He held her in his arms, his wet coat soaking through her thin dressing gown. He stroked her hair and comforted her.

  ‘I’m sorry. But I was so scared. Did you . . . were you able to help the injured men?’

  The two men exchanged glances. Their faces looked drawn.

  ‘We managed to get the two worst injured men off the boat and away in the helicopter. I don’t know how successful their treatment will be. The others are OK. Shocked, but surviving. But the fishing boat was very badly damaged. It began to keel over and took only seconds to go down. Our own crew got off in time.’

  ‘But you saved two men.’

  ‘It’s a dangerous life,’ Tom added. ‘But as always, you were good, Joe. Most professional. He’s a good bloke, your doctor. Now, I’m starving. No sign of Evie yet? I need a large bacon sandwich and several gallons of hot tea.’

  ‘I’ll make it,’ Anna said as calmly as she could, despite the intense trembling she still felt inside. The activity helped calm her and soon she was feeling better. The intensity of emotion had left her feeling drained and she kept looking at Joe as if seeing him for the first time. He was strong and capable. Dependable.

  Suddenly, she knew for certain that she loved him. The realisation hit her. But she knew it must not be allowed to happen. She couldn’t face a lifetime of evenings like this one. This roller coaster life was not for her or her little daughter.

  ‘There you are, chaps. Bacon sandwiches and tea as ordered. I’ll leave you to it. Some of us have to work tomorrow.’

  ‘Unfortunately, so do the rest of us,’ Tom replied. ‘This looks good. Thanks, Anna.’

  * * *

  Joe was rather silent for the next couple of days. He called the hospital where the other fishermen had been taken and both were going to recover, once they’d got over two broken legs apiece.

  When the weekend came, they were both off duty. Anna suggested that she should go back home and leave Tom and Evie in peace for a couple of days. She wanted to make sure everything was ready for Lucy’s return, whenever that was to be.

  They’d left home so hurriedly that she felt concerned that she needed to check on things. Joe insisted on accompanying her and gladly, she accepted, knowing she would feel rather lonely on her own, with just Holly for company.

  ‘I’ll need to do some shopping,’ she said. ‘The fridge is virtually empty.’

  ‘We’ll go together and I can help with this little monster,’ he said, holding Holly high in the air. She shrieked with joy and wriggled to get down.

  ‘There’s no need. I can manage,’ she replied.

  But he insisted and she had to admit, shopping with Joe was much more fun than shopping alone. He waltzed Holly in time to the bland music all along the aisles in the trolley seat. She sang as they went, much to the amusement of the other shoppers. Luckily the place wasn’t crowded for once. He kept putting treats for them into the trolley, including packs of smoked salmon and a bottle of sparkling wine. He added fresh croissants and expensive apricot preserve.

  They took Holly to the park for the afternoon and played on swings and fed bits of bread to the ducks near the pond. Anna felt relaxed and had to admit that she had thoroughly enjoyed what seemed like a family day out.

  ‘We could go to the beach tomorrow, if you like,’ Joe suggested later.

  ‘Butick and spade,’ Holly sang. ‘Play on beach. Please Mummy. Wiv Joe.’

  ‘Looks like it’s decided,’ Anna agreed.

  Once Holly was in bed, they sat for a long time over their meal. They’d prepared a simple meal together and felt companionable and very comfortable.

  ‘I’ve had a lovely day. Thank you, Joe.’

  ‘I’ve enjoyed it too. Nice and relaxing. There’s just one thing I need to make it perfect’ He put his arms round her and drew her close. He kissed her. This time it was never Ben she thought of. It was one hundred percent Joe, kissing her. Comparisons were forgotten.

  ‘Tell me you love me. I know you do but I need to hear you say it,’ Joe demanded.

  ‘I can’t,’ she sobbed. ‘I daren’t say it. I’m too afraid of losing you.’ She closed her eyes as the tears pricked them. She had a vision of Ben’s face . . . a face she had almost forgotten unless she looked at his picture. He had a slightly mocking smile, one she had seen so many times, but had never before realised was one which mocked.

  ‘You haven’t said you don’t love me. Just daren’t. That’s probably hopeful,’ Joe said with a smile. ‘I think you love me, possibly approaching as much as I love you. As I once said to you, I usually get what I want, eventually. And, Mrs Anna Kington, I want to marry you, however long it takes. It’s not just now but forever. You’ll realise it eventually.’

  ‘Maybe,’ she murmured, staring up at his beautiful eyes and loving each part of his handsome face. Then she closed her eyes as a vision of Ben started to push his way into her mind.

  ‘It’s him, isn’t it? He’s haunting you. We’ll get rid of him one day, I promise.’

  ‘I’m not sure. I guess I never found closure. If the boat had been found, I may have been able to believe it.’

  ‘I’m sorry if I can’t live up to his high standards.’

  ‘Joe. You must never think that. It isn’t anything wrong with you. You’re wonderful. But, I suppose you’re right. I am haunted. How can I love someone else when I’ve been so unhappy for so long? With all that sorrow in my soul, I feel guilty at even considering loving anyone else.’

  ‘We need to do something about it. Try to relax now.’ She needed to move on. He had a plan in mind but he could not tell anyone what it was. Not yet.

  He should never have told her he loved her. He’d scared her off and if his plan didn’t work, he had probably lost the chance of happiness for ever.

  ‘I’VE GOT SOME NEWS FOR YOU.’

  ‘Gosh, I slept well,’ Anna announced at breakfast the next morning. ‘I certainly felt more relaxed than I have in ages. Must have been the food. And the c
ompany of course.’

  ‘All part of the service. Literally,’ Joe added. ‘And for better or worse, I meant every word I said.’ He looked very serious and she felt concerned that she couldn’t ever live up to his hopes. But his mood lightened. ‘Now, I’ve built up one huge appetite. Are we going to have the full works for breakfast?’

  They cooked a huge breakfast and Holly sat chewing a sausage, held in her fingers.

  Joe grinned. He wanted this woman and child in his life and he meant to make it happen one way or another. For him, this was true and hopefully, lasting love. If his plan worked, it would be the same for her. Eventually.

  They spent a pleasant morning on the beach and went into the hospital after lunch as planned. Lucy was looking much better and was out of bed, sitting in a chair.

  ‘They’ve finally sorted me out,’ she said happily. ‘They say I can come home on Tuesday. I’m not sure how we’ll manage, but I promise, I won’t need much looking after.’

  ‘We’ve got it all arranged,’ Anna fibbed. ‘I’m taking a few days off and then I’m going on nights. Holly always sleeps through and once she’s in bed, you can just be on hand in case she wakes. I’ll be back home in time to take her to nursery and then I can catch up on sleep. See? All arranged.’

  ‘Well, if you say so, dear. I must confess though, I can’t wait to get back to my own home.’

  Joe took Anna and Holly back home and asked if they still planned to return to Evie and Tom’s house for the night.

  ‘I think we’d better stay here now we know Lucy’s coming back.’

  ‘I need to go and collect my stuff and I guess I’ll return to my lonely bedsit.’

  ‘You could stay on here if you wanted to. I’m sure Lucy will be delighted.’

  ‘Thanks, but it’s best if I stay in my own place for now.’

  ‘As you like.’ Anna felt disappointed but she could see it was for the best. Somehow, she felt she had never reached such a closeness with Ben even after several years of marriage. With Joe, there was an instant understanding, a knowledge of what would please and never any sense of things being hidden from each other.

  He was such a caring person and they seemed to understand each other’s moods and needs without even speaking aloud. She suddenly realised that with Ben, there had often been the feeling that something was missing. That there was something he wasn’t saying. She felt shocked at the realisation that their marriage may not after all, have been as perfect as she thought. Perhaps one day, this might enable her to get over her guilt.

  ‘Explain to Evie for me will you? And say I hope to see them all again very soon. Can you collect any bits and pieces we’ve left there?’

  ‘Of course. It also gives me the excuse to call round here, doesn’t it?’

  Anna arranged with the nursery to keep Holly for the whole of the next day. She needed to work extra hard to get her arrangements sorted for the coming weeks. She spent the morning visiting her regular patients and explaining to all of them that one of her colleagues would be looking after them for a few weeks. She might see some of them at the hospital, she told them, especially if they delivered during the night shifts. She drove out to see Sandy Pierce, anxious to know if she was still managing to keep her baby.

  ‘I’m so fed up,’ she announced. ‘I’m staying in bed most days and getting up when Jack comes home. I’m bored silly.’

  ‘You’ll know it was all worth while when the little one finally arrives,’ she encouraged. ‘Let’s see, where are you now?’

  ‘Nearly thirty weeks. The baby might be all right if it’s born soon, mightn’t it?’

  ‘We hope you’ll hang on for quite a bit longer yet.’

  ‘I hope I do see you for the birth. I feel as if we’ve become friends.’

  ‘I’ll do my best. You’ll be in hospital anyhow, so who knows? How did you get on with the acupuncture? I’d like to have been with you, but work didn’t let me.’

  ‘It was great. I don’t remember feeling so relaxed. He did say he’d come to the hospital when I started going into labour. I don’t really understand it but it’s something to do with median lines in the body. They have to be in harmony or equilibrium. It sounds a bit strange to me, but it seems that if everything is balanced the energy can flow properly. Whether it was this or my stay in hospital, I’m not sure. But I am still here and holding on.’

  ‘The important thing is that you got something out of it.’

  ‘What do you think about him coming to the hospital when I start?’

  ‘I’ll have to ask them. I wouldn’t have any objections but then, I may not be the one to deliver you.’ She completed her tests and was pleased to note everything was looking as good as possible.

  She raced back to the Medical Centre in time for the weekly meeting. Everyone was sympathetic to her problems and murmurs of help were offered. They all said they would miss her in the Centre, but looked forward to her return when things were back to normal. Joe was remarkably quiet and said almost nothing to her after the meeting. But, as she was extremely busy, she didn’t have time to brood.

  The ante-natal clinic ended with the usual collection of questions and light banter. Finally she was free to collect Holly and return home. Holly was fractious and very tired after her day at nursery. Clearly, the long day was too much for the child and mornings only would have to be the routine. Could she survive on three hours sleep? For a while maybe, but there had to be some other way until Lucy was fully recovered. Briefly, she considered Ben’s mother’s offer to have Holly to stay and immediately discounted it.

  ‘Come on, Holly. We have to go and do some shopping.’

  ‘No,’ she cried out, stamping her foot.

  ‘Please be a good girl. Auntie Lucy’s coming home tomorrow and we want some nice things to feed her.’

  ‘Want Joe. Not you.’

  Anna felt like weeping. She was tired and overwrought and really didn’t want a confrontation with Holly. She might just manage the shopping on the morning, before she went to collect Lucy.

  ‘All right. We’ll leave the shopping for now. I’ll get your tea and then you can have a nice bath and go to bed.’

  ‘Want shopping wiv Joe,’ she said firmly.

  ‘Joe isn’t here. It’s me or nothing.’

  ‘Nuffing. Nuffing,’ she chanted. Anna cursed herself. She’d always known it was a bad idea to get close to anyone and this was exactly what she’d wanted to avoid. Her little girl had become fond of someone and missed him when he’d gone. She considered phoning him and asking him to supper but she knew it was a bad idea and gave herself lots of jobs to do. She finally fell into bed, exhausted. She knew she could be happy with Joe, but it wasn’t fair to him if she constantly felt this awful guilt. Would it ever go away?

  * * *

  The next morning, she delivered a slightly unwilling Holly to the nursery and dashed to the supermarket before going to collect Lucy from hospital. At her aunt’s request, she took in a large tin of chocolates for the staff who’d been looking after her.

  ‘You don’t have to worry about me, dear,’ Lucy said as they got home. ‘I’m feeling so much better. A bit sore where they’ve pumped all the various things into me but a day or two and I’ll be back to normal.’

  ‘You’re not going to do anything for a few days. Just relax and be waited on for once. I’m on holiday till Friday and then I’m starting nights at the hospital. I’ve done a swap with one of the midwives there and she’s taking over my rounds. Everyone’s been very good about it. That way, I can look after you and Holly and get some sleep when she’s at nursery. It’s going to be nice to spend some time together.’

  Despite her protestations that she was fine, Lucy was clearly still needing extra rest. She had definitely been diagnosed with pernicious anaemia and would need to be given medication for the rest of her life.

  ‘You know, dear, I hadn’t realised how bad my memory had been getting. I haven’t been able to do my crosswords for months. But
I can see now, it was all part of the symptoms. If your Joe hadn’t spotted it, I might have got worse and worse. Where is he by the way? Isn’t he staying here any more?’

  ‘He’s working, of course. And no, he isn’t staying. He needed to get back to his own place.’

  ‘Well, I hope you’re going to invite him round one evening, soon. I want to thank him properly.’ Wisely, she said no more, though she was curious to know how things were really progressing between them. She had high hopes for this particular relationship.

  ‘Of course. I’ll call him. Tomorrow, maybe? If you’re up to it. I don’t want you getting tired.’

  Anna dialled the Medical Centre when she thought Joe would have finished his morning surgery. Maggie informed her that Doctor Meredith was taking a few days holiday.

  ‘You mean he isn’t staying with you?’ Maggie asked surprised.

  ‘Of course not.’

  ‘Oh dear. We’d all decided you were about to elope and do us out of a party. Both being off at the same time, I mean.’

  ‘I’d no idea he was taking a holiday,’ Anna replied, feeling rather put out. Still, she had no right to think she would be told about everything he did. ‘Thanks, Maggie. I’ll be in touch.’ She put the phone down and frowned. Then she dialled Evie’s number.

  ‘Hi, Evie. Is Joe there by any chance?’

  ‘Joe? No. Haven’t seen or heard anything of him since Sunday. How’s your aunt?’

  ‘She seems OK. I’m going to have a job to make her rest, but I’m working on it. I just wanted to say thanks to you again for everything. You were wonderful and I’m very grateful. Hope to see you soon.’ They chatted for a while but clearly Joe’s disappearance was a mystery to her too.

  Lucy began to improve in many ways. She seemed more cheerful than before, though in all honesty, Anna hadn’t even realised that her aunt had been feeling depressed. Nor had she realised that she had been finding difficulty in moving around for some months.

  ‘Oh, Lucy, I feel so ashamed. I’ve been taking you for granted for far too long. How could I have been so blind?’